Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with your best friend or partner, only for them to spend the whole time scrolling through their phone, or interrupting you with unrelated questions, comments, or jokes? It’s frustrating. And while it’s easy to chalk it up to a tech-induced short attention span or general insensitivity, the root of the issue may be deeper. You may be dealing with someone who is emotionally unavailable.
It may be hard or impossible for them to manage or even talk about deep feelings. Which means they may not be capable of giving you what you need emotionally.
Learning to identify this trait in your partners, friends, or even yourself, and knowing what to do about it, can lead to better relationships.
What Is Emotional Unavailability?
Someone who’s emotionally available is unable to be vulnerable, either with themselves or with others. “An emotionally unavailable person cannot or will not consistently connect with another person through deep conversation, showing or being receptive to another person showing emotions, and being honest about their feelings, thoughts, actions, and intentions,” says Charlynn Ruan, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Los Angeles.
It can be a deep-seated issue linked to someone’s childhood relationship with their parents. But levels of emotional availability can also change depending on a person’s life stage and circ*mstance. “Most people will be emotionally unavailable at some point in their lives. We tend to pull back from engaging emotionally when we feel overwhelmed or have a lot of personal things that require our energy,” says Bonnie Scott, a licensed professional counselor in San Antonio, Texas, who specializes in relationship counseling. “Emotional availability exists on a spectrum, so some people will be mostly unavailable and others will be too open.”
Signs Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable
Being emotionally vulnerable and allowing others into your life in a deep and significant way is how you build close friendships and romantic relationships. Those kinds of connections are hard to form when you’re emotionally unavailable.
“When someone is described as emotionally unavailable, they can present as invalidating, distant, paranoid, inconsistent, and always prioritizing themselves, their goals, their interests, and their plans,” says Leslie Dobson, PsyD, a clinical and forensic psychologist in private practice in Los Angeles. To you, this can make the relationship feel one-sided — like you’re always giving and never receiving. That can be emotionally draining.
Angelika Koch, a relationship coach in private practice in Denver, points out that emotionally unavailable people will tend to push others away when they try to get close or shut down when deeper conversations arise. “You might notice this person texting on their phone or scrolling through social media when you’re trying to have a conversation with them. They might have a pattern of seeming disinterested in what you have to say. Someone who is in this place might appear put off when you want to spend more time with them,” she says.
Dr. Ruan adds some other signs of emotional unavailability:
- Avoiding deep conversations or staying away from vulnerable or emotional topics
- Making light of deep topics
- Shutting down or shaming you for bringing up deep or emotional subjects
- Withholding information and not openly sharing things about themselves
- Keeping secrets or hiding things, even when these things don’t seem worth hiding
- Refusing to commit to anything, whether an exclusive relationship or just plans for next weekend
How to Manage an Emotionally Unavailable Partner
To figure out how to deal with your friend or partner, you should consider why they’re emotionally unavailable and what the relationship means to you.
As Scott mentioned, emotional availability exists on a spectrum and can be affected by life events. If your lifelong best friend is having a major life challenge and they aren’t engaging with you like they normally do, you may need to adjust your expectations for a while. “People are often completely emotionally unavailable when they are struggling with mental illness like depression. A lot of mental struggles force us to be internally focused in order to survive our own emotions and thoughts, and it leaves us unavailable to hold or even be aware of other people’s emotions,” says Dr. Dobson.
But if it’s a new love interest who says they want to keep things “light” and seems thoroughly uninterested in sharing deeper thoughts and feelings, you may need to decide whether it’s worth pursuing. Scott suggests asking yourself some questions about how you’re experiencing the relationship, like:
- What do you get from spending time with them?
- If they don’t meet your emotional needs, do they meet other needs?
“If there’s nothing you get in this relationship, maybe it’s time to step away. But if it’s a matter of adjusting expectations and realizing this person isn’t your emotional support person, that’s okay,” she says.
If this person is important to you and you’re committed to the relationship, it may be best to address the issue head-on and see if it can be changed. Your emotional needs are important, after all. Martha Tara Lee, a relationship counselor with a doctorate in human sexuality who is based in Singapore, suggests you start with some self-reflection. She offers these tips:
Know yourself and manage yourself. Pay attention to how you react when your partner or friend is emotionally unavailable. Do you tend to shut down and move away, or do you tend to get more anxious and pursue the relationship more? How do you feel about that dynamic? Consider whether you want to manage your end of the relationship differently.
Get clear and take ownership. Examine your own emotions. Understand what it is you feel, and take responsibility for it, rather than blaming your friend or partner. Then have a conversation with them to share your concerns and tell them clearly what you need from them.
Communicate instead of acting out. Having an emotional response to a triggering situation isn’t unusual, but it’s unlikely to help. Try to communicate in a clear, calm way, even if your friend or partner pushes back or argues.
Be patient with them and with yourself. If your partner is receptive to working on the issue, remember that change takes time. It’s important to offer them patience. Be patient with yourself, also, as you’re making your own adjustments.
Seek professional help, if needed. Even with good intentions, you may not have the tools to help your partner become more emotionally available. It may be worth seeking professional therapy, either individually or as a couple.
What to Do if You’re the One Who’s Emotionally Unavailable
Of course, the problem doesn’t always lie with your partner. You may be the one who has a hard time tapping into the emotional side of relationships. “If you find yourself holding others at a distance, picking partners who are unavailable (for example, long distance relationships or with those who are married), or you realize it’s been a long time since you’ve cried or expressed anger in a healthy way, you may be struggling with emotional unavailability,” says Ruan.
If you recognize these issues in yourself, check in on your personal needs and see if it’s time for some self-care. And ask yourself whether this is a recent issue, or one that has deeper roots. “Are you avoiding emotions because you feel overwhelmed? Is this a bigger pattern of interaction for you? Are you feeling a need to be protective of yourself, and if so, what are you afraid of? Doing self-reflection and journaling could be helpful, or getting extra support from friends or a therapist,” says Scott.
If you’re consistently emotionally unavailable, the cause could be traced back to your childhood. According to attachment theory, the way caregivers respond to children’s emotional needs influences how they behave in adult relationships, notes the Cleveland Clinic. Ruan says you should seek therapy if you struggle to access your own emotions, feel like vulnerability to others is dangerous, and commitment feels like being trapped. “You need to work with a professional with training in attachment trauma to heal the attachment wounds from childhood that make connection and close attachment feel unsafe,” she says. She also suggests you learn to engage with your body and your emotions through activities like dance, music, yoga, and sound baths.
